Things that hurt.

I'm broken. He broke me. And I don't... know how. Or why. I mean...

I know I fell in love with him like I didn't fell for... any of them.
Because he's just... everything. He's stmarter. And meaner. And sicker.
And honest about... most of it. So that's more. He's more.
He's also the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

He's not right for me. So I'm not right for him.
And that's clear. That's loud and clear and doesn't make me love him any less.

I won't forgive him. It's not forgivable.
He'd never ask for it, no, but that's besides the case.
I won't forgive him and that doesn't make me love him any less either.

But it all keeps me on my feet. I'm on my feet.
And I'm trying. I breath. I do. I smiled today.
I'm standing, but I'm broken.

I smiled today and it was sick.
I recognize the feelings, the urges, but
I'm so much braver now. And I'll allow it, if I can have it.

I wonder when I got translucid. I'm transparent.
It's... all so painfully obvious. See-though.
But I'm... honest. And I'm at peace with myself.

So I'm standing, and I'm broken. And I'm at peace with myself,
because I'm not cheating myself. And I trust me.
Even if he doesn't. Even if she doesn't.

I'm lonely. And I hope I get to tell him that I love him, even though it won't change a thing.
I want the chance to say it. And I don't know if I'll get it, of if I'll take it.
And I hate seing the paralels. I hate that he's doing the same thing, puting me in the same place.
I hate him for not being able to take me. For not wanting to take me.
And he will always be my first Dom.
And I wish he were different. And...

And I wish I hadn't fallen in love with him.

choices, choices

The what ifs are always there. What if I would had bought the blue dress? What if I'd had a pizza instead of a yogurt? Well this are my what ifs.

What if I wouldn't had called him? What if I wouldn't had fucked things up with Ale?
What if I would had stayed with Fran? What if I wouldn't had taken him back?
What if I would had chosen him?

Don't get me wrong. I don't have any regrets. Almost. They're just what ifs.
Would'a, Could'a, Should'a.
Little sharp questions that will pinch my butt forever 'cause I'll never have the answer.

What if I would had chosen him?

quarantined.

Things I have learned so far:

- Burning in fever is way better than shaking from fever.
- I have a rather low resistance to pain.
- I get cranky when I feel like I'm going to die.
- Raw food does not taste good.
- There's nothing to watch on tv before 6pm.
- It's comfortable to work from home. But it also gets kinda lazy.
- She's an absolute idiot and definitely nowhere near as mature as she thinks. Not ready to make her own decisions.
- I need to change my toothpaste.

girl has a thing for artists.

A former anarchist I just had to have, and got to trust me.

A soul musician who was the smartest and sweetest and.

An art lover who turned into the most amazing of men.

A simple guy with a lot more to him than what meet the eye.

An unbelievably talented artist who became my best friend.

A charming performer who dazzled me with his words.

I know how to choose my man.

"The guy who gave me my first kiss and haven't seen since and now has a band with my ex"

"My dad's girlfriend's daughter's ex boyfriend"

I knew how to choose my man.

The little rich bitch's school former leader of the student council.

It would certainly make a nice addition.

Uhm, that guy. I bet that would be fun.

And then there's her..

dislikes.

There are very little things I don't like about my "college" thing.

I don't like that it's filled with people younger than me in the morning.
I don't like waking up at 6am twice a week.
I really don't like having to go straight to work afterwards, it's very restrictive.
I don't like freacking out and spend two hours thinking if that guy in my class is him.
I hate not being able to buy coffee at 7 in the morning, when it's most needed.
I don't like that the political stuff is so taken over by parties. I don't feel comfortable with it.
I don't like that some teachers don't even know how to speak properly.
I don't like runing into the slut that spent quality time with my ex in a hotel's hot tub at the coffee machine. I really don't.

It's gotten to the point where it hurts. We need to talk.

luciernagas.

February 19th
- Sabés qué? Cambié de opinión. Mejor dame vos tu teléfono, no me voy a aguantar la ansiedad...
Lo miró y sonrió. Decidió que si iba a llamarlo.
- Yo te llamo.

February 22nd
- Mirá! Un avión.

February 25th
- Sigue chocando el auto! Cuántas veces puede hacer el mismo chiste?

March 2nd
- Cómo que no se puede llegar al mar en Buenos Aires?

March 4th
Mientras abría la puerta de madera con cuidado, se dió vuelta a mirar al chico que estaba detras de la reja.
- Este.. es un final perfecto.
- No es un final.
Sonrió. No le creyó en absoluto.

just the way you are

i get drunk, i get high, i cry and make a scene
i kiss the wrong people and fuck the wrong people, at the wrong time
i stalk my exes, i still think my son's gonna have his last name
i drink alone, sleep a lot, listen to sad songs when i'm sad to get sadder
i say more than i should and then forget about it
i panic over almost anything, i talk to myself in public and at loud
i imagine conversations in my head and then get mad at people over what i imagined they said
i'm the girl who takes a cab at 3 in the morning to go to the house of a boy i don't even like
i imagine getting even with what i'm scared he may do is gonna make me feel better
i'm rude to people i don't like, i'm easy because i don't like to play hard to get
i date guys who resamble my dad, and complain about it
i'm the girl who's crying at the bus stop at 6 in the morning
i'm friends with all my ex and date all my friends
i go for my boyfriend's best friends every time, it's just irresistable
i like broken girls, the ones that get drunk and cry and dance and fuck their best friend
(yep, i do know that's what i do)
i can't stand other women when i go out, i want all the atention for myself
i can't go anywhere whitout running into someone i really shouldn't run into
i'm dying for those fuzzy handcuffs, and would probably use them whit anyone but my boy
i'm always on a "it's really hard to explain" or a "it's a long story" relationship
i dream about getting chances, and refuse them when they fall from the sky
i always get an "oh no, what did you do?" for an answer
i can't keep a haircut for over a month, i always wound up feeling like a whore
i never have anything to wear no matter how many clothes i buy
i can't handle competition, i just give up
i want an adult relationship, but i would just fuck it up (again)

nothing's more fun than making a mess.

and i just love that about me.

sadest songs ever.

º pictures of you - the cure
º creep - radiohead
º don't leave the light on baby - belle and sebastian
º cup of coffee - garbage
º fix you - coldplay
º northen star - hole
º dying - hole
º these days - nico
º 730 dias - jorge drexler
º clara - no te va a gustar
º last kiss - pearl jam
º angie - the rolling stones
º mañana en el abasto - sumo
º i'm so tired - the beatles
º the end - the doors


(en orden de ocurrencia)


(es un re lindo dia)

down to the facts.

my stuff:
- the band.

that's happy! and new. and usefull. we need a name, and a drummer, and some songs of our own.
- photography thing.
it's still not the easyest, but i'm learning. let's download and recharge.
- our short film.
i think it could be amazing. and it'd do us so much good.

personal stuff:
- the sexuallity thing.
gotta find out.
- poni.
i'll do my best to get you back on your feed dear.
- hon.
sad best friend = alcohol, distractions and bright colours.
- the growing thing.
keep learning from your mistakes, maybe some day i'll stop making the same ones.

work stuff:
- the big movie.
so intresting in a personal level, as in a proffesional level.
- the small movie.
terrible timing, but it's gotta be done.
- the groups thing.
not only would i actually know people about my age, but it's got great growing possibilities.

birthday list.

my star tatoo (do i dare?)

a nice new wallet.

a fount pen (perhaps even a good one..)

a book worth reading.

(daydreaming now..)

a new (nice) cel, with mp3 player

a brand new cute interesting girl/boyfriend (can you online-shop for those?)

a call from the freacking jerk.

weareble (gourgeous) shoes!!

world peace (?)

(run out of ideas..)

starting real life in three simple steps.

1. trust yourself. trust your instincts. they're saying you're not ready to make that choice. so, don't. there's no need to hurry.

2. alors, you've got to do something with your time. you've got to do something with your life. get a job. and ask for help, 'cause you're gonna need it.

3. sweety, just finish the damn high school. it's gonna be hard to move on with that undone.